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The Republicans' Bumper Sticker
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by Andy Cowan
TheSyndicatedNews columnist
Andy Cowan, an award-winning writer, whose credits include Cheers and Seinfeld, regularly contributes humor pieces to the Los Angeles Times and the CBS Jack FM Radio Network.
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As the Republicans try to wrestle with how to slip President Bush into their Republican convention without the voters taking notice, they’re obviously aching to get their paws on a message that will resonate with what’s left of the party faithful. Here it is: “Things could be worse.” Makes for a tidy bumper sticker, doesn’t it? Throw in three months of commercials wherein a vexing phenomenon is made even more vexing, and the public just might develop a newfound appreciation for how “relatively” un-vexing the actual phenomenon was to begin with.
What if gas were cheap? So cheap that we felt free enough to pollute the environment even more with our exaust fumes.
You can literally breathe easier, because it didn't happen.
What if the president had appointed an attorney general who not only ignored the Constitution, but Bush, himself? What if, instead of being his crony, the president never even liked the guy? What if he’d been a dimwitted school bully from Mr. Bush’s Midland days – and Bush gave him the nod to get back at him for all those wedgies, knowing full well that he was incompetent and would eventually implode in a perfect storm of embarrassment, all in support of the president’s selfish sense of sweet revenge?
Didn’t happen.
Things could be worse!
As for imperfect storms, what if the president had responded to Katrina two months after she struck? What if he’d blamed the delay on waiting for U.N. inspectors to examine the levies? What if he’d assured a looter he was doing “a heck of a job?”
Didn’t happen.
What if the administration had cherry-picked other reasons to invade other countries? What if they’d used illegal aliens to do the cherry-picking? What if the president wanted to build turnstiles across the border? What if the vice president/not so sharpshooter was among the armed border patrol?
Didn’t happen.
What if the president practiced even less diplomacy, and blurted to Prime Minister Brown that British teeth needed bonding?
What if our chief executive had appointed Michael Vick torture czar at Abu Ghraib Prison... What if he’d commuted Paris Hilton’s sentence... What if David Vitter had frequented male hookers... What if Larry Craig had set foot in a ladies restroom... What if Mark Foley had been appointed host of “Kid Nation?”
Didn’t happen!
Things could be worse.
What if there were prenatal cell phones? What if a cell was implanted next to the fetus with a nine month subscription, so expectant mothers everywhere could call and coo a certain amount of time during the week, and free Saturdays and Sundays?
What if Leona Helmsley’s dog’s house foreclosed?
What if basketball players spit tobacco? It would give a whole new meaning to dribbling.
Things could be worse.
Take that, Democrats. And run.
ANDY COWAN's credits include "Cheers" and "Seinfeld". He can be reached at - anthrosop.tripod.com/upampdownguys/
Published: Jul 11,2008 18:57
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Andy Cowan
Andy Cowan, an award-winning writer, whose credits include Cheers and Seinfeld, regularly contributes humor pieces to the Los Angeles Times and the CBS Jack FM Radio Network.
Paul M. J. Suchecki
Paul M. J. Suchecki has more than 30 years of experience as an award winning writer, producer, and cameraman. He's written numerous newspaper and magazine articles. Currently he writes, produces and shoots for LA CityView Channel 35 and his more than 250 articles for Ehow.com are approaching half a million readers.
Coby Kindles
Coby Kindles is a freelance journalist, screenplay writer and essayist. She has been a staff writer at Knight Ridder and a regular contributor to The Associated Press.
Debbie Milam
Debbie Milam is a syndicated columnist for United Press International, an occupational therapist, family success consultant, and motivational speaker with more than 20 years experience. Her work on stress management, spirituality, parenting, and special-needs children has been featured in over 300 media outlets including First for Women, The Miami Herald, Elle, Ladies Home Journal, The Hallmark Channel, PBS and WebMD.
Dan Rafter
Dan Rafter has covered the residential real estate industry for more than 15 years. He has contributed real estate stories to the Washington Post, Chicago Tribune, Business 2.0 Magazine, Home Magazine, Smart HomeOwner Magazine and many others.
Jack Nargundkar
Jack Nargundkar has been repeatedly published in Business Week, The Wall Street Journal, The Washington Post, and The New York Times. He is also an author of "The Bush Diaries" published in July 2005.
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