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Murder In The Movie Theatre
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by Shelly Howell
Shelly Howell is the owner of Shenanigans Entertainment, a Los Angeles writing services company for advertising and entertainment. She launched an online comedy site - comedyquick.com -- in 2008 and also works as a screenwriter with four feature scripts in development with producers in Los Angeles.
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I love movies. I love huddling down in my chair in the dark with no distractions, munching on popcorn, and getting lost in the story being told. Lately this is a problem, because other people ruin movies. For some reason they seem to think it’s okay to chat on their cell phones, discuss (at a normal volume) the pros and cons of Angelina’s breasts and kick the back of the chair each time they cross their legs. I’m a magnet for these rude, self-centered morons who can’t tell the difference between their own homes and the multiplex. I’m the one in the back who you hear screaming: “For God’s sake, stop talking!”
The other night, during a boring action scene with a generic superhero, I spaced out. I suddenly had superpowers. When the cell phone down below opened and the beam of light pulled my eye to the corner of the theatre, my arm stretched out – cartoon style – and snatched it away from the teenage pimple-popper who had to read his text message. With lightning speed, my long arm snapped back, and with a soft CRUNCH, his phone trickled off my hand like a shattered cracker.
Right after that, the woman behind me crossed her legs and kicked my chair. I whipped around and rose out of my seat like a ghost. Hovering for a moment above her, I breathed fire across her and her date, melting them down to their bones like the famous scene in Raiders of the Lost Ark. I reduced them to ashes.
I turned back around and tried again to focus on the film. But sure enough, the guy in front of me asks his date, loudly, which restaurant she’d prefer. They discussed the benefits of P.F. Chang’s and The Cheesecake Factory. In one swift move my cartoon arm swooped to the ceiling and opened the trap door. I pushed the imaginary button on the back of their chairs and jettisoned them through the roof. Eat that, honey.
Published: Sep 8,2008 14:59
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Andy Cowan
Andy Cowan, an award-winning writer, whose credits include Cheers and Seinfeld, regularly contributes humor pieces to the Los Angeles Times and the CBS Jack FM Radio Network.
Paul M. J. Suchecki
Paul M. J. Suchecki has more than 30 years of experience as an award winning writer, producer, and cameraman. He's written numerous newspaper and magazine articles. Currently he writes, produces and shoots for LA CityView Channel 35 and his more than 250 articles for Ehow.com are approaching half a million readers.
Coby Kindles
Coby Kindles is a freelance journalist, screenplay writer and essayist. She has been a staff writer at Knight Ridder and a regular contributor to The Associated Press.
Debbie Milam
Debbie Milam is a syndicated columnist for United Press International, an occupational therapist, family success consultant, and motivational speaker with more than 20 years experience. Her work on stress management, spirituality, parenting, and special-needs children has been featured in over 300 media outlets including First for Women, The Miami Herald, Elle, Ladies Home Journal, The Hallmark Channel, PBS and WebMD.
Dan Rafter
Dan Rafter has covered the residential real estate industry for more than 15 years. He has contributed real estate stories to the Washington Post, Chicago Tribune, Business 2.0 Magazine, Home Magazine, Smart HomeOwner Magazine and many others.
Jack Nargundkar
Jack Nargundkar has been repeatedly published in Business Week, The Wall Street Journal, The Washington Post, and The New York Times. He is also an author of "The Bush Diaries" published in July 2005.
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