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A Fowl Infidelity
Every year I fancy myself a Turkey-Virgin, and every year I fail to stay committed to my pledge. After the holidays I try to refrain from indulging in a turkey feast until Thanksgiving. Sure, I’ll have some mashed potatoes with my KFC, corn on the cob at a summer BBQ, an apple pie at Mom’s and maybe even a few slices of turkey on my sandwich at lunch. But, these guys really aren’t supposed to come together on my plate until the fourth Thursday of November. There, they’ll meet the likes of cranberry sauce, green beans, stuffing, biscuits and a big glass of eggnog to wash them all down.
But, there’s only so much temptation a man can take. For some reason, every holiday season the days preceding Thanksgiving, everyone under the sun wants to have a feast of their own. And, that I can understand, giving thanks to friends and coworkers for the time spent together during the year. But, why must we do it with a traditional Thanksgiving meal?
On the Tuesday before Thanksgiving this year, my work put together a celebration meal for us: turkey, potatoes and gravy, bread, pumpkin pie, the works. I told myself this wouldn’t really count as a Thanksgiving meal if I just took a couple slices of the bird, ate just the cucumbers from the salad, and put the mashed potatoes from a separate plate. Technically, I’d retain my virginity. But, once I tasted the combination of autumn delights, I started sliding down a slippery slope I knew I would be my demise.
The next day Thanksgiving Eve, my daughter’s preschool held its annual family pilgrim-like smorgasbord. I’d already tasted the forbidden fruit the day before, so why not just indulge today? My plate overfloweth with stuffing and salad and green beans and a Henry the Eighth style turkey leg. Good-bye virginity. Hello tryptophan.
I write this on Thanksgiving morning, 2007. And, I am the epitome of shame. As I look at the naked bird soon to be put into the oven and the pots on the stove waiting to be filled with sweet potatoes and family-recipe stuffing, I can’t keep the images of yesterday’s meal off my mind. The smells, the memories all linger, no matter how hard I try to make them disappear. And, on my lips I can still taste yesterday’s gravy, the flavor of guilt.
I’ll eat tonight with my family, but I will not enjoy. And, I know that today I will not be the only man who has been unfaithful. There are others out there like me who, when served their Thanksgiving plate, and the family surrounding them are oohing and aahing, saying, “Doesn’t this look delicious, George?” are nodding, but secretly thinking, “But I just ate this yesterday. I can’t let them know.”
We blame no one but ourselves. We are not strong enough to make it to Thanksgiving each year… without help, help from you. For the sake of our annual “purity”, on behalf of all of the weak ones, I implore those of you planning to feast before Thanksgiving, from now on, preserve the sanctity of our family traditions and serve a non-traditional meal: moo-goo gai pan, mac and cheese with baby back ribs, enchiladas and tamales, a big box of Captain Crunch cereal.
Help us out so we can eat guilt-free on the fourth Thursday of every November for years to come. But, this year, I must once again don my faux, turkey-virgin veil and smile and pretend, once again, that it is my first time.
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Leon Scott Baxter is a West Coast writer who lives with his wife and two daughters in California. To see more of his work, go to http://www.couplescommittedtolove.com/articles.php.
Published: Oct 10,2008 17:42
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Andy Cowan
Andy Cowan, an award-winning writer, whose credits include Cheers and Seinfeld, regularly contributes humor pieces to the Los Angeles Times and the CBS Jack FM Radio Network.
Paul M. J. Suchecki
Paul M. J. Suchecki has more than 30 years of experience as an award winning writer, producer, and cameraman. He's written numerous newspaper and magazine articles. Currently he writes, produces and shoots for LA CityView Channel 35 and his more than 250 articles for Ehow.com are approaching half a million readers.
Coby Kindles
Coby Kindles is a freelance journalist, screenplay writer and essayist. She has been a staff writer at Knight Ridder and a regular contributor to The Associated Press.
Debbie Milam
Debbie Milam is a syndicated columnist for United Press International, an occupational therapist, family success consultant, and motivational speaker with more than 20 years experience. Her work on stress management, spirituality, parenting, and special-needs children has been featured in over 300 media outlets including First for Women, The Miami Herald, Elle, Ladies Home Journal, The Hallmark Channel, PBS and WebMD.
Dan Rafter
Dan Rafter has covered the residential real estate industry for more than 15 years. He has contributed real estate stories to the Washington Post, Chicago Tribune, Business 2.0 Magazine, Home Magazine, Smart HomeOwner Magazine and many others.
Jack Nargundkar
Jack Nargundkar has been repeatedly published in Business Week, The Wall Street Journal, The Washington Post, and The New York Times. He is also an author of "The Bush Diaries" published in July 2005.
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